Tonight was the worst fight I had with my husband. my knees are shaking and my body is aching all over. He didn’t physically hurt me, he tortured me emotionally. A thing that I though I was good at handling at.

I went home later than he expected, since I got caught in traffic and I had a dinner date with a close friend. When I saw him, he doesn’t look well. He told me he has a headache. I told him to rest.

I was sitting beside him, quietly taking off my shoes and I massage my swollen feet. He told me to turn off the lights. When I turned off the lights he burst in rage. He almost cut the power cord of my laptop and took my laptop away, I haven’t saved my thesis yet, I hope my office did autosave it for me.

I was shocked. I didn’t know what happened. What did I do? He started chanting his cursing words on me. Threatening to take away all I have… my personal things, my money and the worst, he told me to stop schooling.

My tears fell down like rain that night. I was emotionally battered by my husband. I thought I’m used to this since this is not the first time he did this to me.

After hearing out his words I realized that he was angry because it took a while for me to turn off the lights. I was deranged as well so I decided to hide in the closet space.

Good thing I brought my smartphone with me that’s why, believe it or not, I am actually writing this blog on it.

I went online to see if there’s someone I could talk to, and I did. I’m glad my special man was online. I tried chatting with him. He was furious of what my husband has done to me. He told me I should leave him and bring my son with me. I stopped and think… no, I can’t do it. I cannot give my son a decent life. I am still a student. I told him all my thoughts. My plans of leaving my husband after graduation and getting a decent job. While chatting with him my husband is still chanting his emotional torture on me. My thoughts clouded. I said things to my special man that I wish I didn’t say at all.

I have a big inferiority complex, and it got worse because of my husband, when he had an affair with a beautiful woman. I felt like a trash, unworthy of all the love and affection this man has for me. I told him that I am a dirtbag, a piece of shit, and he deserves a woman way better than me.

He got hurt because of what I’ve said and he went offline after. I was shaken at the moment. I suddenly realized that I was wrong. I felt I have pushed away the one who is giving me the strength at the moment. I want to freak out. I was being so stupid…

I tried calling his phone but to my surprise I was out of credits, rarely happens, just when I needed it most. Since I cannot call I decided to just send him a text message saying how much I regret those words that I said and I hope he could forgive me.

I couldn’t sleep, the closet is like a cage, a cage in where I was hiding when I can’t bear the emotional pains anymore. The four walls of this dark room has been keeping me from being insane the whole time. Now I know how animals feel when they are trapped. But still, I’d rather stay in this place than to go out and hear all the hurtful words my husband is saying to me. I was crying and crying and yet the pain hasn’t subsided…

I am so worried about my special man. I hope he understand that I was being emotionally battered by my very righteous husband the time I was talking shits with him. I hope he can still forgive me. I hope he still loves me. I don’t want to lose someone like him. My source of happiness, the one whom I’m always looking forward to. The one who shows me that I deserve to be love and respected despite all my imperfections…

I hope he is reading this, If only I could take back my words…

I wish I could sleep everything over. I’ll try to relax myself for the moment. I hope when I woke up tomorrow, everything was just a bad dream…

I have always felt that I can touch the lives of people that will come my way. I feel I can do something for them to make them feel that I am a person of good intentions. I always do help people either way, emotional or financial.

I am a married woman. No doubt I love my husband and my child. I am juggling through being a mother, a wife and a student. Things are simply hard on my part but for almost seven years I got used to it. My husband is a just man. A man of a high moral character. I have a deep respect for him even if he has cheated on me two years ago, I managed to forgive what he did and we tried to start things over again.

But have I really forgiven him? Well, that I don’t know. After that extramarital affair he had I have always been distrustful. I know I am wrong in this part but I cant help but think that if he did it the first time, its easy for him to do it again.

My husband is more of a cold shouldered person. An insensitive man. We have a military type of relationship… the Commander and the Subordinate. It’s like he treats me as just an ordinary housemate. He is the head of the house. Everything he says should be done. My words are mostly disregarded. He keeps his own money and gives me when I ask for, and sometimes he doesn’t. How do I survive? Well, I have my ways of earning my own so I just ignore the money issue between us. He spends most of his time watching Anime on the internet and he touches his ipod  a thousand times more frequent than he touches me.

But even so my husband sometimes is loving when he feels like it. I can never say no to making love, although its very rare to happen. He is a good lover, he makes sure he pleases me before his own. He lets me live my own life and gives me a sense of individuality that I sometimes mistaken for as neglect. Actually I do the same for him on his work, I seldom visit his office and I don’t keep connections with his co-workers. Sometimes, he surprise me of things that I never expect he would do. He seldom prohibits me to go out with my friends when I ask him to. He doesn’t care about my friends gender, may they be males, females, gays or lesbians is okay with him. Most of all, he loves our son very much.

Early October when I accepted a friend request from my Facebook Account, a man whom I am not familiar with but is mutual friends with five of my high school acquaintances, thinking that he might went to that same school I went into.

He went online for 5 days in a row, and if I catch him online I would always drop a line saying “Hi! Do we know each other?”

Every time I do this I get no replies, but still I persist, since I don’t really add people whom I personally don’t know. One strange day, he replied to me. He was being sarcastic, and I hate him for being one. I was just being inquisitive, he was being stubborn. I just ended the conversation before things get worse.

I am planning to delete him from my list but I got busy that week and eventually I forgot to do so. When I write my thesis on my laptop, I use to catch him only every evenings, but I don’t bother dropping a line again since I don’t like his attitude.

I started noticing this man when he posted about his support to a particular Presidential Candidate. I started browsing his profile, reading his notes, walls and viewing his pictures. I admit I was impressed. He is a complete package… Handsome, intelligent, young, assertive and a potential bachelor.

I was intrigued about his political views, since I also am choosing who is the right one to vote for. I decided to have a chat with him about it. He was very accommodating with my inquiries. I enjoyed the intelligent conversation. The snob and stubborn guy suddenly became a good conversationalist. And then it all started…

A close friend of mine taught me how to use Facebook Emoticons and I was so hooked in using them. One time, when me and that man had a series of chat, I used a shark emoticon, I was surprise that he got thrilled as well. I started teaching him all the emoticons I know. Funny that we enjoyed doing it for quite some time. When I go online, he would teach me some emoticons that I don’t know. I enjoyed having chats with him. Soon after, we talk about personal matters like our self, lives and anything you need to know about someone when you are making friends with them.

For the last three months, we chat occasionally for any topic that comes in our minds. One time, we chat for almost 3 hours, and before we bid farewell, he told me he loves me. I laughed my ass out with that statement and I assumed he was just joking but he told me he is not.

After that, we still chat and he would always insist about what he feels and every time he does that I am annoyed but I managed to modestly resist him. I feel it was insincere, but after the two week persistence, I am starting to believe that he mean it. But still I keep my doubts.

He was so funny. He throws cheesy lines on me. At first it was corny but after some time I started liking it. He would always tell me how much he appreciates me. I enjoyed his admiration, and eventually, I started opening up to him. I felt that he is someone special to me, and indeed he is.

I found myself smiling when I read a text message from him at school. People start noticing my sweet smile even if I am reading a hand out from a boring Labor Laws subject. He made me happy, I never felt this happy in years. I always look forward for his texts and chats. I find myself waiting for him to go online and I always check my smartphone for messages even at the middle of the classroom discussions.

He started opening himself up to me through his WordPress Blog. Knowing his past made me feel that he needs me. I felt that I can be a Savior to him. So he could realize that he is messing up in relationships because he is messing up with his own family.

My close friends knows whats going on. They are not in favor of what I am doing, entertaining a persistent suitor. But they love me so much that they don’t want to take away the smile in my face, they just told me to be careful and assure me that they are always around when I need help.

Things has been this way until he persistently push me into having an affair with him. I am successful in diverting his attention to it at first, but one night, I cannot hold him any longer, and I cannot hold myself any longer too.

Yes, I am starting to like the guy so much. But I wouldn’t dare to have an affair with him. I love my husband and I am afraid to lose a beautiful family that I have. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose him as well…

Last night was devastating. He won’t stop insisting about his feelings. I cannot lie to him, he was good at feeling if I lie or not. I started telling him about my feelings and that became the wormhole of the event. Everything came up so fast that I end up crying like an idiot, my mom even pat my back because she taught I was crying because of my thesis.

I am trying to compromise to him but he was so hurt he started missing his ex-girlfriend, and that moment, I don’t know what happened to me, I started feeling jealous for no reason at all. I was startled when my husband came from work. I was sweating like a pig since I cant afford to avert the conversation with the man, but I am afraid that my husband might see.

He was full of hurt feelings that he even posted something on his wall. I was hurt, I admit. But at that moment, he was willing to stop. I was so afraid, I don’t know why I asked him to stay with me. Its my chance to finally lose him. But I can’t let go, I don’t want to let him go… I thought I was his Savior, but I ended up falling into him…

I promised to make a deal with him today so that we can settle things once and for all. I just hope he has a clear mind since the night already passed. How I wish I could keep him without complications. I hope he would understand. I hope that we could draw the line back again, and be happy like we used to be before.

Love is composed of two complete people complimenting each other. As much as I would like to give myself to him, I am not whole, and I know we will end up in disaster if we pushed our luck to each other. I wish there is some other way to compromise. I am preparing myself today. I hope we get to a solution that we both will agree upon…

I was born May 30th of 1984 at 10:40 in the morning, the youngest of three siblings. I was named Michelle, since its the title of the song that my father like very much. My mother described me as a very happy child. I require minimum supervision and I only cry if I want to eat or if I get frustrated over my wet nappies…

I grew up without my father. He left us for another woman. It’s a common story so I don’t feel anything special about it. My mother needs to work double time to provide the family’s needs. At that time, I was only six years old and believe it or not, I completely understand what is going on with my parents at that time.

For me, losing a father that time was no big deal because I am well loved by my family and keens. I was even adopted by my Aunt until I reach the age of seven, but eventually she needs to return me to my mom since she will be marrying an Australian and needs to migrate to Australia with him. I love her so much, she’s the one who taught me how to sing and dance in front of a crowd. I remember every time she had a visitor, she would always brag about me and let me prove that she is right. She brings out the natural performer in me.

My elementary school days are full of competitions. My teachers would always join me in contests, mostly on spelling bees and talent shows. I enjoyed it much since I made most of my lasting friendships there that I’m still keeping up to this moment.

Because of my academic excellence in elementary, I got into a Science High School… a place where most of my unwanted memories came from. From here I experienced fighting with a teacher that is so judgmental. She is always on the side of the pretty girls and I was left alone because she don’t like my looks. From then on, I started seeing myself as ugly. My high self esteem suddenly dropped to zero. I isolate myself from others and I only keep few trusted friends. On this time also, at my second year, I experienced collapsing without any reason at all. When I consulted a doctor, a heartbreaking news shattered me… I was diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes.

I felt hopeless at that moment. Fifteen years old with a terminal disease? and all that school problems in the way? well, only one thing comes into my mind… Suicide is the best solution!

I tried to commit suicide by jumping off at the building of the hospital where I was confined. But at the time I reach the edge of the rooftop, something is holding me back. I admit I am afraid to die so after a few attempts, I decided I should give up and just wait for the moment, I will die eventually anyway.

I transferred into a regular high school in the hope that I can graduate even if I am ill. But then again, my condition is getting worse. I need to inject insulin twice in school. My teachers and classmates are bothered by the mere look of my syringe. The school principal recommended that I should stop schooling and I have no choice but to agree…

I tried not to think of my condition and enjoyed what I though was my remaining days. I go out, meet people and attend seminars about diabetes. After sometime I got tired of insulin shots and decided to stop it. That night I saw my mom crying inside her bedroom. I was shattered. I felt that I hurt her so much because I decided to end my life by stopping medications.

Two years has passed and I’m still alive. I didn’t understand it too. So me and mom went to a doctor again to check on my condition. To their surprise, I wasn’t a juvenile diabetic, its only a type 2 NIDDM (non-insulin dependent diabetes mellitus) meaning, I can go and live with only oral medications. This findings brought up a light in my dark hope of survival. I can still live longer.

I started studying again, this time I took an acceleration test at Concordia College. The test said I  belong to the 99% bracket scale of test passers and I read from the results that only three people got that average and I am proud to be one of them.

After that my UP Diliman life started. I took up a music course since I really love to hone my talents and skills in playing the flute and the guitar. I only made few friends there since my self esteem is just recuperating at that time. After a year and a half of studying there, I decided to take a degree first, since my mom requested me to do so. As the UP Policy applies, you cannot pursue a new course without shifting, and if you shift you’ll lose the first degree so I decided to file LOA (leave of absence) and find another school to take my new course in.

But instead of finding a school, I found a husband. I met him inside the church. A well-groomed, handsome and family oriented guy. We clicked on the first try. After three months of having a relationship, he popped the question and I answered yes without hesitations. My family was shocked with the untimely announcement of my wedding. They all though I was pregnant but I am not. We never had done “the thing” before marriage, or even on our honeymoon we just laughed the night away since we don’t exactly know how to do it. Sounds impossible but true. I consider marrying at an early age the biggest mistake that I have done. But even so I manage to keep our marriage sacred.

After four years we are blessed with a son. Just about when we are planning to adopt a child because we lost hope in having one. I loved my son so much. I even breastfed him for a year even if it’s hard on my part. I became a full time mother and a part time wife but my husband understands.

After my baby’s first birthday I started attending college at University of Makati. I always wanted to take a teaching course but the administration declined since they only accept fresh graduates. So I ended up taking a Psychology course instead. I eventually embraced and loved the course that I am in, I never realized I could be so interested in the human behavior.

On my earlier years in college, My husband committed a very huge sin that hurt me so much, but I still gave him a second chance. My love for him has faded a bit for what he has done but I’m trying my best to work things out. In the trance of the moment, I also met a very special person that made a huge impact in my life. He is the exact opposite of my husband; lively, cheerful, loves going out with me and always there when I need him. But things between us became so complicated and I admit it was my fault, we parted ways and he ended up hating me. He never realized that I only did it because I always wanted what’s the best for him. He went away without fixing things out with me. I don’t want to splurge into details of the story but I can say that he will always have a special place in my heart.

My son was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (an Autism Spectrum Disorder) recently. It was painful for me because all my hopes and dreams for him were shattered all at once. But with continuous support from my husband, my family and my fellow parents of Autistic children, I eventually accepted that I was blessed with a special child and I should be thankful because not everyone is given this special kind of gift.

I experienced working from various offices and I also became a call center agent sometime in my life. I encountered lots of flirting men in the office, even my boss showed interest in me. I’m glad i am good at handling temptations. I don’t know why but I find it impossible that somebody whose so damn good looking and intelligent would actually go for an ugly woman like me. It seems like the world is turning upside down. I honestly love the feeling of admiration, but never did I entertain them…

As of now, I already claimed my self esteem back, and yet, I still believe that I am the ugliest of all. If people complimented my looks, I always think they are just being polite. Maybe that’s the reason why I cover up every time I go to parties. I don’t like my physical self so I wear a mask to shadow my inferiority complex.

I am careful in building new relationships with people now. I don’t want to repeat the mistake that I did again. I should always be true to my words. I should always keep my promise…

Being who I am right now is the result of my past experiences in life. Though I can say I am now happy with who I am, I know I still have lots of experiences to take. I am always in the verge of meeting new people and knowing them because I believe that humans are social animals, we pick up lessons from the people we know and pile it up to make our own, a person that we want to be in the first place. Share what you have and be a blessing to every person that you will meet, touch their lives in a way that when they leave, they will take a piece of you with them. By doing this, even if you depart from this world, a part of you lives in someone’s memory. A person only dies when his memories are forgotten. If you are remembered, you live forever…

Good vibes to everyone!

I should get used to this, but some things are just so bothersome that it drains the energy I have to give to things that matters most.

Im trying my best to resolve conflicts with a friend but I guess it just gotten worse. I guess I should have left it that way. I only added insult to the injury. At the end of it all, I am still unsuccessful in winning his heart back. Many people admire me for being always in control, the miss know-how, the strategy maker, a true compassionate leader but what they are not aware is that I am really a loser when it comes to my emotions…

Im a bit shaken as of the moment. I dont know how to react to what I have discovered. A close friend is shattering my emotions. I know she doesnt intentionally do it. She has been an angel to me all these time, always there when I need someone to comfort me. Shes been like a little sister to me. I love her so much that even if I have seen that this moment is coming, I cant still believe it has happened…

I always have visions of things to come, not because I am a psychic, but maybe because I learned to listen actively and weight peoples words, may it be spoken or acted, rather than my own. I can see things coming, but I never assume. I hate assuming. I am afraid to get the wrong assumption of things.

Although she’s giving me reassurance, it doesn’t make my emotion to calm. I dont know, maybe because I can feel that she is partly just telling the truth. Its not her fault, she is a very lovable person and I totally agree to that. No man can resist her beauty and charms… not even him.

She noticed my cold shoulders on her. I told her its not what she thinks, I am not angry and I dont have the right to be. Her assumption that I am staying away from her is true. I just want to be away from her at the moment. I want to prepare myself for what will happen next. I need to wear a mask again and pretend that everything is fine, although I am dying inside.

I know, I may sound bitter but I just cant contain the emotions inside. Its like im gonna burst out. I dont have someone to converse this with. I just need to get it out of my system, I just need to let this out.

Don’t make me wrong, if ever that thing will happen between them, I will be the happiest one. They are so good together. Good looks, intelligence, just about everything. I think they are perfect, complimenting each other.

One thing I’m afraid of is that I maybe blamed for her hesitation to give in to him. I had too much guilt, I hope this wont add to it.

While doing my Board Exam Reviewer I am writing this note. No matter how busy I am it still sinks in me. I hate what I feel. This is crazy, this is wrong.

My stage again is full of swaying emotions, I should study how to act out everything. My drama needs to be perfect, I need to make a standing ovation show.

For now, I’ll just make myself busy on things that I need to finish. Setting this emotions off until the time of my sleep, and I wont sleep well again…

Good vibes to everyone…

People around us knew about our story, but they barely knew the details. It has been a tough road for me, but ofcourse he also had the same though I cannot speak on to his part. We have been in the controversy and we always find each other in a debateful situation, making things worse for the two of us.

Our world became smaller when we became classmates again on my third year now in College. As much as possible, I wanted to avoid it. But some things are just meant to happen, it is beyond my control. Some of my friends say it is already a sign for us to make amends, but I guess I wasnt ready for it.

The first weeks of classes were like a torture… seeing him everyday. trying to avoid him, keeping my distance, Ive been very sensitive and cautious that I feel it was already freaking crazy. Its so hard to ignore and avoid someone whom you share mutual friends with. At the end of the day, I was exhausted of keeping my distance.

Nights were the times I can weight things down and think of things. There are nights where I am thinking about him, how to deal with him in the most modest way I can, with the thought of avoiding another clash or at worst, hearing another insult from him.

One day, a common friend of ours texted me in the middle of the night. I was at work then, trying to beat the deadline because I had may backlogs that I need to finish. She is obviously not okay, she is depressed, so depressed that she ended up being contagious…

She was shrugging my conscience that night. I was always at the defense of my case. The exchange of messages became very intense to the extent that she is already touching my emotional side, which is not good because i am at my workplace so I decided to take a quick break to deal with her for once.

She has become close to this special friend of mine. And im always thankful for her for watching over him. Yes, I admit, I still am updated on what is happening to him. I cant afford not to, I still care for him, after all that has happened…

One sentence that shook me off was “How could you hurt somebody who does nothing but make you happy and love you despite of all?” I was speechless, she’s right. I hurt him so much. I didnt mean to, and I never ever wanted to. But there are things that we do to a person that is for their own good, even if we know it will hurt them, we still think of their welfare.

I suddenly burst into tears. The agonizing pain I felt the first time we broke it off all came back to me like a hauling monster. I realized that I was wrong to continually ignore the issue. I was so fond of telling myself that I am okay, that I have already moved on and let go of him but why is it that still there is something wrong?

I though that ignorance and avoidance is the way to do it. Honestly, it just made things worse for us. I already tried to make amends with him before but I guess I didn’t gave him ample amount of time to cool down his temper. We just had a non amenable conversation then and so I decided to gave up on him. It was the most stupid decision I made. Moving away from him never resolved our issues. The thought of moving on and letting go was just a cover up on my part, to cover the issue we have been into but at the back of my mind, this is still an unresolved conflict.

Dwelling in the past memories of us together is my favorite thing to do when I am alone. I always find myself smiling when I think about those happy times. Then my depressed friend asked me “It seems like you dont have regrets at all!”. This time, I answered immediately “How could you regret something that made you very happy? I didn’t regret loving him, my only regret is that it had to end this way, maybe there’s another way…”

My own statement created a spark in my mind. Ofocurse there is another way!

I have seen an opening in his heart that would be a chance for me to make up for my mistakes. I noticed when I am around with his friends, he is not making face anymore or creating annoying gestures. He is neutral when I am near him. He supports my statements with his own. I laugh at his jokes and he don’t react negatively and lastly, he accepted my invitation to work with me on writing a book for one of our major subjects.

Would I pass up this chance? I guess not. This time, I am willing to gamble and play my cards, betting everything I have just to make amends with him. This is my last attempt to make up for all the hurt and pain I have caused him. I know this wont be easy for me and for him but I will give it my best shot.

The only hope I have is that someday he will be able to understand that I have done those things for his own good, for his own sake…

Im gonna start as soon as I have the chance. Wish me the best of luck!

Good vibes everyone!

Part 1 – Depression

These past few weeks, since the start of the school days, Ive been feeling very low, not to mention the pressures of schoolwork and the effects of having a known enemy just lurking around me, it doubles the depression. Add to the situation my demanding husband who wants to get things done in a jiffy, how worse can it get?

Here goes this feeling again, the feeling of emptiness inside. I know, I should be happy. I have so much in life. I have many friends, I have a supportive family, I have a good financial state, everything seems to go my way but why is it i feel something is lacking? Something is missing?

Part 2 – Expression

Though its not much, I have successfully celebrated my son’s birthday. Together with my friends, we had so much fun. I know Ive shown my son how much I love him.

I didnt expect that the food would fit my unexpected visitors. Well, good thing my mom prepared much more than what we are hoping for. I told her Im only bringing 3 visitors but to my surprise (ofcourse im the culprit. Hehe!) Ive brought 9 visitors.

Part 3 – Revelations

Much to my surprise, a great revelation came. Up to this moment, it still wont sink in to me. I am so shocked that it is actually happening. Oh well, we all should be happy. Its not that its all bad news, I think its a blessing in disguise. I just wish everything will be fine. I sure will miss her if ever…

Now Im sure where this depression came into. One time we were on our HRM class. My teacher asked us to find a partner for a group project. I was delirious. I know I have many friends but to my surprise, no one has asked me to be a partner for that certain project. It really broke my heart.

Yes, many people are envious of me because I can mingle with any types of people. But you know what? At the end of it all, Im still alone, no one to call my own…

One reason of this depression is my bestfriend. I know she’s been busy, but I always make sure we see each other at school. I noticed her cold treatment on me. I dont know what made her feelings towards me as cold as ice. I know, I have many shortcomings but I never expected that it would boil down to this. It saddens me so much.

Part 4 – Decisions

This feelings made me come up with a tough decision… Maybe I should go back to being alone again. Ive been happy alone before, I know I can be happy again. Myself is the only bestfriend I need. Im gonna miss my friends but I have to make decisions for myself.

I know Ive changed a lot and I need to get in touch with myself again. I know one day ill have someone of my own but before that day comes, I should know myself better.

Me and a good friend had an exchange of messages over the chatroom. She told me that Im well loved, but why is it that I dont feel it that much? She told me that at least now, my life is not revolving into one person but I told her “call me selfish but its better to seclude your world to someone and call them your own than having everyone that will never be yours”.

I just hope one day this feeling will be sartisfied but for the meantime, I need to live with this depression, oh well, everybody has their own cruxifix to carry. At least mine’s not that heavy…

Good vibes everyone!

Because of the A(H1N1) virus outbreak in our community, the classes of college students were moved 15 days from what is originally set into. For me it is a benefit since it will buy me more time to clean up my closet from the clutters of the past and to patch things in the new home that we have recently moved in. Its not a big house, unlike from where we stayed in for almost 10 years. But I guess it s much better since the necessities here are complete.

I didn’t feel any excitement in going to school on the first day. Maybe because I feel a little chill because that reshuffle thing that happen to us really is a piss off, matching me with those people whom I like less, and I know they feel worse that I do to them. Glad some of them found a way to transfer to another section. What a relief!

I find it very uncomfortable to be classmates again with the person I had a big misunderstanding with for the past 2 years. I know its been along time but still I feel the tension between us. After all that has happened, I still find it naive to actually sit in a crowd with him. I tried my best to keep my distance to make me and him comfortable as possible.

Destiny for me is just a coincidence of people’s manipulation towards things and events. Maybe this is an exact example of it. Our issue is a big blast in our college so we cant avoid questions and intrigues. Many are asking what will I do if we are joined together in a group work, how do I feel about him, being in the same section again etc. etc.

I answered those questions as modestly as I could. But of course I leave something for them to ponder.

Lately, Ive been focusing more on myself. I don’t know, there’s so much love in me, and I don’t know whom or how I can show it. a David Benoit song hits me with its one-liner “WHY LOVE KEEPS ON GOING WHEN THERE’S NO ONE THERE…” the exact same question came into my head while enjoying listening to the song over and over again. A friend of mine asked me yesterday about my status with my husband. I couldn’t even explain what I feel about him. Maybe because of those pains he caused me, it made me numb to feel for him. All I know is that I still love him, but different from the love I used to feel for him before…

But whatever it is, I know, Ive made the right decision to stick with my husband no matter what. I will be true to my promise to love him til death do us part.

GOOD VIBES EVERYONE!

“To err is human”… This is one of those favorite sayings that stick on my mind for the longest time. Yes, we are humans and we are vulnerable in committing mistakes. The hardest part is, when you have made that mistake, and will never have the chance to correct it.

I have been into so much in life because of irrational mistakes that I made. Many people think that I am almost perfect, that a have a very dynamic personality, that I am strong and smart that there’s only a little room for mistakes. They may be right. But that room has created a huge impact in my whole person that it almost cripple my soul and my spirit.

One of my greatest weakness that I am aware of is my relationship conflicts. May it be friendship or romantic I always am encountering deep-seated problems from them. I don’t know why, I always am true to them and I make it a point that I give my best but still conflicts arises. I’m so vulnerable of my feelings that I sometimes mistaken it for something else, I figured it out when I analyzed the conflicts I had with my friends but still it repeat itself. It seems that I never learn from my mistakes, or it’s just the force of circumstances?

I don’t know, but whatever it is, it’s a constant reminder for me that I still have imperfections, and I will always have it.

I recently had the worst ever relationship conflict. I lost the greatest love of my life. The one I shared my life with for the past 5 years. I never thought this would happen since I’m trying my best to recuperate from a friendship that was broken by some irreconcilable issues that affected me in such a way that it has made me stupid to hope for it to amend. I regret that I have taken that person into my life. He has made horrible changes in me. I have let out again my evil self that I’m trying to hide for the longest time. I have done bad things that I never thought I could do again and I am so resentful about it.

Yes, I have planted hatred towards him. I have collected all the bad things he has done to me and turned it into a huge fireball that I will throw against him. I have thought of revenge actually. I want him to fall into his knees and regret the day that he did me wrong. I want him to pay for all the misdeeds he created. I want to see him suffer…

But all of these went off in just a snap. I thank God for showing me that vengeance is not for us to manifest, it is God who will avenge us from those who malign and hurt us. Because our revenge might be less or we might go overboard. But God’s wrath is justice. He will give justice to everyone. He is my only hope.

If I could have a second chance I will give my very best so I wont have to lose my greatest love. I should have set limits and boundaries between that ex-friend and me. But since it’s all over and done with, all I can do is to let go, move on, and move forward, making sure I’m making the correct steps this time.

“To err is human, To forgive is Divine”... I have learned to forgive those people who hurt me; even though how heavy it is for me I lifted it up to Him. I wanted to keep a clean conscience and spirit from now on. I know it’s hard to forget and as for my case, it’s almost impossible because I have a very good memory when it comes to significant events in my life. But I learned that to forgive is to forget is not true. You can forgive someone and recall his mistakes so you can be able to be aware that it can happen again, or it can happen to others.

I am not hoping for things to go back to its place. I just let God land me on where he wants me to. As for now, life must go on. My son needs me now more than anything else. I should be strong for him and I will do my best to give him the best future he deserves. We are still complete, we only lost a biological father and still were keeping a true Father, The Father in heaven, the one that wont leave us.

Ofcourse my everyday is still a struggle. It’s not easy to detach from things that you are used to. But I know God will guide me step by step and time will heal the deep wounds that I have gathered from it. You will not imagine how am I feeling right now, the pain is unexplainable. But I’m trying my best to hide it from the world and just open it up to God.

I hope and pray that I can have that second chance to correct the mistakes that I have done but if not, THY WILL BE DONE…

Good Vibes!

Sometimes we must let go of people, places and things, even though we still care about them so much, or harbor good memories, or at worse, we are so much in love with them. if it turns out that they will provide an unhealthy or toxic element inside of our own lives. Staying free of such compulsions is not easy, and often, the pain of walking away can be very sharp, and pierce a deep wound open inside of one’s own heart. Letting go involves surrendering, for our own good, and ultimate peace of mind. Often, we must let go as well to honor and respect the needs of the other person, even if their goals are quite different from our own.

Today, in the middle of all the business involved in my life, I too am trying to walk through the pain of letting go of a friendship that was not healthy for me. I see him everyday and I try to act and live normally around him. This does not mean that I do not feel sad, nor I don’t have any feelings anymore for this person. I still love and I truly miss this person, but sometimes we have to let go to grow, even with the pain and hurt, so we can get to the other side of the rainbow, with the hope that there is still light inside.

Ofcourse, I do hope that someday, our paths will cross again and when that time comes, we’ll see if were really meant to be. I still believe in us.

Thank you for your minds.”

he will always have a special place in my heart, forever...

While playing my favorite mini match on powerpets and listening to my imeem playlist, One thing came to my mind… I remembered, it soon would be five years…

I can still remember the first time I saw him face to face. I never felt a strong connection with anyone before, but with him, its different. His handsome face was just an addition to his great personality. He was the most thoughtful person for me, and until now he still is.

I never believed in love at first sight because I already fell in love with him eventhough I never saw him yet. Thru the simple text messages he sent to me everyday make me fall hard. It may sound so cheap that I fell in love thru text messaging but I guess if it is, maybe I am.

The first time we met was very magical. Now I know what they meant when they said that “I heard the bells ringing” because literally, I did. Something in me tells me right then and there that he is the one. But ofcourse I dont trust my intuitions that much. We ended up good friends and before I knew it, he became my first boyfriend.

Now I know how it feels to have a romantic partner. Everyday I felt so high over him like theres no one else in the world but us. We had the best times together. He visits me everyday at our house after his work and we eat outside.

I didnt have any shyness of showing my true self to him. I eat the way I eat, I dress the way I dress, I talk the way I talk and I don’t pretend to be something I am not. He said that’s what he liked about me… a very genuine person. I became very open to him about everything in my life and he did to. He became my best-est best friend.

Soon after I realized that there’s no perfect relationship. Now I saw the complications we are having. His sister hates me. It was prohibited for me to have an intimate relationship with anyone and many more restrictions comes our way. There even came a time that we even fought over those dis-tractorsI even felt that its useless to fight for him. In short, I even thought about giving up the fight.

I dont know but I think fate has its way for us. Just when I came up to the idea of breaking up with him, something just happened that made us realize that we are really meant for each other and soon after that, he asked me to marry him.

I was speechless. I cant believe that this is actually happening. I have dreamed and prayed for someone like him to come my way and now he is offering a string to bond him to me. Honestly this is too good to be true but it isnt. It is really happening and there is no other answer that comes to my head but a big “YES”.

We had a simple civil wedding. We are not the type that would spend much just to brag about our new civil status. But before the civil wedding we already had a mass church wedding 3 years before the civil one. I was pregnant with our first child when he married me civilly. Actually its just for formality.

Those 3 years were full of adjustments. But still even if we quarrel even to the minutest details we managed to survive. I just wonder why am I not bearing a child in those 3 years but I guess I should just wait. Just when I gave up hoping, I was already pregnant.

I had the worst pregnancy. I have to inject insullin twice a day just to make the baby inside me live. I even had complications for the last minute but I managed to survive and deliver a very healthy baby boy last June 26, 2006. I am happy though I had a difficult pregnancy because I dont feel alone in my pregnancy… we are both pregnant.

Im not surprised that our child resembles my husband so much. The time when I was conceiving I would caught myself staring at him while sleeping and I adore his face so much then. Until now I still do.

Many things happened after that. We even had a hard shook on our relationship but still we are alive and surviving and on February 13th 2008, it will be our 5 year anniversary. Yeah, time flies while we are having fun.

Right how everything is perfect. I am perfectly in love with an imperfect man that loves me the same and learned to love my imperfections and weaknesses along the way. As Glenn Medeiros and Elsa said “Love always finds a reason… seems like I could just look at you and I found the reason in your eyes”.

I hope we could stay in love and in faith for the rest of our lives, and a baby girl on our 10th anniversary! (I hope)

“Love isnt about what you will get from it,

its about giving what you can give for it”