Posted by: The Sweet Life Runner | February 11, 2010

Chant of The Emotional Sadist…

Marriage is a battle in which you sleep with the enemy. But this time around, I’ll be sleeping in the closet…

Tonight was the worst fight I had with my husband. my knees are shaking and my body is aching all over. He didn’t physically hurt me, he tortured me emotionally. A thing that I though I was good at handling at.

I went home later than he expected, since I got caught in traffic and I had a dinner date with a close friend. When I saw him, he doesn’t look well. He told me he has a headache. I told him to rest.

I was sitting beside him, quietly taking off my shoes and I massage my swollen feet. He told me to turn off the lights. When I turned off the lights he burst in rage. He almost cut the power cord of my laptop and took my laptop away, I haven’t saved my thesis yet, I hope my office did autosave it for me.

I was shocked. I didn’t know what happened. What did I do? He started chanting his cursing words on me. Threatening to take away all I have… my personal things, my money and the worst, he told me to stop schooling.

My tears fell down like rain that night. I was emotionally battered by my husband. I thought I’m used to this since this is not the first time he did this to me.

After hearing out his words I realized that he was angry because it took a while for me to turn off the lights. I was deranged as well so I decided to hide in the closet space.

Good thing I brought my smartphone with me that’s why, believe it or not, I am actually writing this blog on it.

I went online to see if there’s someone I could talk to, and I did. I’m glad my special man was online. I tried chatting with him. He was furious of what my husband has done to me. He told me I should leave him and bring my son with me. I stopped and think… no, I can’t do it. I cannot give my son a decent life. I am still a student. I told him all my thoughts. My plans of leaving my husband after graduation and getting a decent job. While chatting with him my husband is still chanting his emotional torture on me. My thoughts clouded. I said things to my special man that I wish I didn’t say at all.

I have a big inferiority complex, and it got worse because of my husband, when he had an affair with a beautiful woman. I felt like a trash, unworthy of all the love and affection this man has for me. I told him that I am a dirtbag, a piece of shit, and he deserves a woman way better than me.

He got hurt because of what I’ve said and he went offline after. I was shaken at the moment. I suddenly realized that I was wrong. I felt I have pushed away the one who is giving me the strength at the moment. I want to freak out. I was being so stupid…

I tried calling his phone but to my surprise I was out of credits, rarely happens, just when I needed it most. Since I cannot call I decided to just send him a text message saying how much I regret those words that I said and I hope he could forgive me.

I couldn’t sleep, the closet is like a cage, a cage in where I was hiding when I can’t bear the emotional pains anymore. The four walls of this dark room has been keeping me from being insane the whole time. Now I know how animals feel when they are trapped. But still, I’d rather stay in this place than to go out and hear all the hurtful words my husband is saying to me. I was crying and crying and yet the pain hasn’t subsided…

I am so worried about my special man. I hope he understand that I was being emotionally battered by my very righteous husband the time I was talking shits with him. I hope he can still forgive me. I hope he still loves me. I don’t want to lose someone like him. My source of happiness, the one whom I’m always looking forward to. The one who shows me that I deserve to be love and respected despite all my imperfections…

I hope he is reading this, If only I could take back my words…

I wish I could sleep everything over. I’ll try to relax myself for the moment. I hope when I woke up tomorrow, everything was just a bad dream…

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