Posted by: The Sweet Life Runner | February 5, 2010

The Writings on my Tabula Rasa

“A child is a Tabula Rasa”… I remembered hearing this quote from my professor in Human Development. It means that a child is a plain piece of paper, and each experience he  has will be written on it, and eventually when he grows up, it will become the source of his personality.

I was born May 30th of 1984 at 10:40 in the morning, the youngest of three siblings. I was named Michelle, since its the title of the song that my father like very much. My mother described me as a very happy child. I require minimum supervision and I only cry if I want to eat or if I get frustrated over my wet nappies…

I grew up without my father. He left us for another woman. It’s a common story so I don’t feel anything special about it. My mother needs to work double time to provide the family’s needs. At that time, I was only six years old and believe it or not, I completely understand what is going on with my parents at that time.

For me, losing a father that time was no big deal because I am well loved by my family and keens. I was even adopted by my Aunt until I reach the age of seven, but eventually she needs to return me to my mom since she will be marrying an Australian and needs to migrate to Australia with him. I love her so much, she’s the one who taught me how to sing and dance in front of a crowd. I remember every time she had a visitor, she would always brag about me and let me prove that she is right. She brings out the natural performer in me.

My elementary school days are full of competitions. My teachers would always join me in contests, mostly on spelling bees and talent shows. I enjoyed it much since I made most of my lasting friendships there that I’m still keeping up to this moment.

Because of my academic excellence in elementary, I got into a Science High School… a place where most of my unwanted memories came from. From here I experienced fighting with a teacher that is so judgmental. She is always on the side of the pretty girls and I was left alone because she don’t like my looks. From then on, I started seeing myself as ugly. My high self esteem suddenly dropped to zero. I isolate myself from others and I only keep few trusted friends. On this time also, at my second year, I experienced collapsing without any reason at all. When I consulted a doctor, a heartbreaking news shattered me… I was diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes.

I felt hopeless at that moment. Fifteen years old with a terminal disease? and all that school problems in the way? well, only one thing comes into my mind… Suicide is the best solution!

I tried to commit suicide by jumping off at the building of the hospital where I was confined. But at the time I reach the edge of the rooftop, something is holding me back. I admit I am afraid to die so after a few attempts, I decided I should give up and just wait for the moment, I will die eventually anyway.

I transferred into a regular high school in the hope that I can graduate even if I am ill. But then again, my condition is getting worse. I need to inject insulin twice in school. My teachers and classmates are bothered by the mere look of my syringe. The school principal recommended that I should stop schooling and I have no choice but to agree…

I tried not to think of my condition and enjoyed what I though was my remaining days. I go out, meet people and attend seminars about diabetes. After sometime I got tired of insulin shots and decided to stop it. That night I saw my mom crying inside her bedroom. I was shattered. I felt that I hurt her so much because I decided to end my life by stopping medications.

Two years has passed and I’m still alive. I didn’t understand it too. So me and mom went to a doctor again to check on my condition. To their surprise, I wasn’t a juvenile diabetic, its only a type 2 NIDDM (non-insulin dependent diabetes mellitus) meaning, I can go and live with only oral medications. This findings brought up a light in my dark hope of survival. I can still live longer.

I started studying again, this time I took an acceleration test at Concordia College. The test said I  belong to the 99% bracket scale of test passers and I read from the results that only three people got that average and I am proud to be one of them.

After that my UP Diliman life started. I took up a music course since I really love to hone my talents and skills in playing the flute and the guitar. I only made few friends there since my self esteem is just recuperating at that time. After a year and a half of studying there, I decided to take a degree first, since my mom requested me to do so. As the UP Policy applies, you cannot pursue a new course without shifting, and if you shift you’ll lose the first degree so I decided to file LOA (leave of absence) and find another school to take my new course in.

But instead of finding a school, I found a husband. I met him inside the church. A well-groomed, handsome and family oriented guy. We clicked on the first try. After three months of having a relationship, he popped the question and I answered yes without hesitations. My family was shocked with the untimely announcement of my wedding. They all though I was pregnant but I am not. We never had done “the thing” before marriage, or even on our honeymoon we just laughed the night away since we don’t exactly know how to do it. Sounds impossible but true. I consider marrying at an early age the biggest mistake that I have done. But even so I manage to keep our marriage sacred.

After four years we are blessed with a son. Just about when we are planning to adopt a child because we lost hope in having one. I loved my son so much. I even breastfed him for a year even if it’s hard on my part. I became a full time mother and a part time wife but my husband understands.

After my baby’s first birthday I started attending college at University of Makati. I always wanted to take a teaching course but the administration declined since they only accept fresh graduates. So I ended up taking a Psychology course instead. I eventually embraced and loved the course that I am in, I never realized I could be so interested in the human behavior.

On my earlier years in college, My husband committed a very huge sin that hurt me so much, but I still gave him a second chance. My love for him has faded a bit for what he has done but I’m trying my best to work things out. In the trance of the moment, I also met a very special person that made a huge impact in my life. He is the exact opposite of my husband; lively, cheerful, loves going out with me and always there when I need him. But things between us became so complicated and I admit it was my fault, we parted ways and he ended up hating me. He never realized that I only did it because I always wanted what’s the best for him. He went away without fixing things out with me. I don’t want to splurge into details of the story but I can say that he will always have a special place in my heart.

My son was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (an Autism Spectrum Disorder) recently. It was painful for me because all my hopes and dreams for him were shattered all at once. But with continuous support from my husband, my family and my fellow parents of Autistic children, I eventually accepted that I was blessed with a special child and I should be thankful because not everyone is given this special kind of gift.

I experienced working from various offices and I also became a call center agent sometime in my life. I encountered lots of flirting men in the office, even my boss showed interest in me. I’m glad i am good at handling temptations. I don’t know why but I find it impossible that somebody whose so damn good looking and intelligent would actually go for an ugly woman like me. It seems like the world is turning upside down. I honestly love the feeling of admiration, but never did I entertain them…

As of now, I already claimed my self esteem back, and yet, I still believe that I am the ugliest of all. If people complimented my looks, I always think they are just being polite. Maybe that’s the reason why I cover up every time I go to parties. I don’t like my physical self so I wear a mask to shadow my inferiority complex.

I am careful in building new relationships with people now. I don’t want to repeat the mistake that I did again. I should always be true to my words. I should always keep my promise…

Being who I am right now is the result of my past experiences in life. Though I can say I am now happy with who I am, I know I still have lots of experiences to take. I am always in the verge of meeting new people and knowing them because I believe that humans are social animals, we pick up lessons from the people we know and pile it up to make our own, a person that we want to be in the first place. Share what you have and be a blessing to every person that you will meet, touch their lives in a way that when they leave, they will take a piece of you with them. By doing this, even if you depart from this world, a part of you lives in someone’s memory. A person only dies when his memories are forgotten. If you are remembered, you live forever…

Good vibes to everyone!

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