Posted by: The Sweet Life Runner | June 28, 2009

Depression, Expression, Revelations and Decisions…

Actually, I dont even know how to start writing again. I think I need to get a hang of this stuff. I know, Its been a while. Ive been like a submarine, sinking and swimming into the open. Well, at least I havent neglected one of my favorite means of taking my feelings out… through writing.

Part 1 – Depression

These past few weeks, since the start of the school days, Ive been feeling very low, not to mention the pressures of schoolwork and the effects of having a known enemy just lurking around me, it doubles the depression. Add to the situation my demanding husband who wants to get things done in a jiffy, how worse can it get?

Here goes this feeling again, the feeling of emptiness inside. I know, I should be happy. I have so much in life. I have many friends, I have a supportive family, I have a good financial state, everything seems to go my way but why is it i feel something is lacking? Something is missing?

Part 2 – Expression

Though its not much, I have successfully celebrated my son’s birthday. Together with my friends, we had so much fun. I know Ive shown my son how much I love him.

I didnt expect that the food would fit my unexpected visitors. Well, good thing my mom prepared much more than what we are hoping for. I told her Im only bringing 3 visitors but to my surprise (ofcourse im the culprit. Hehe!) Ive brought 9 visitors.

Part 3 – Revelations

Much to my surprise, a great revelation came. Up to this moment, it still wont sink in to me. I am so shocked that it is actually happening. Oh well, we all should be happy. Its not that its all bad news, I think its a blessing in disguise. I just wish everything will be fine. I sure will miss her if ever…

Now Im sure where this depression came into. One time we were on our HRM class. My teacher asked us to find a partner for a group project. I was delirious. I know I have many friends but to my surprise, no one has asked me to be a partner for that certain project. It really broke my heart.

Yes, many people are envious of me because I can mingle with any types of people. But you know what? At the end of it all, Im still alone, no one to call my own…

One reason of this depression is my bestfriend. I know she’s been busy, but I always make sure we see each other at school. I noticed her cold treatment on me. I dont know what made her feelings towards me as cold as ice. I know, I have many shortcomings but I never expected that it would boil down to this. It saddens me so much.

Part 4 – Decisions

This feelings made me come up with a tough decision… Maybe I should go back to being alone again. Ive been happy alone before, I know I can be happy again. Myself is the only bestfriend I need. Im gonna miss my friends but I have to make decisions for myself.

I know Ive changed a lot and I need to get in touch with myself again. I know one day ill have someone of my own but before that day comes, I should know myself better.

Me and a good friend had an exchange of messages over the chatroom. She told me that Im well loved, but why is it that I dont feel it that much? She told me that at least now, my life is not revolving into one person but I told her “call me selfish but its better to seclude your world to someone and call them your own than having everyone that will never be yours”.

I just hope one day this feeling will be sartisfied but for the meantime, I need to live with this depression, oh well, everybody has their own cruxifix to carry. At least mine’s not that heavy…

Good vibes everyone!

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