Posted by: The Sweet Life Runner | July 21, 2009

Taking Chances

A year has already passed. Many things have changed. My life has been into a constant ups and downs. I can say that things are better for me now, after a very tragic break up with a very special friend…

People around us knew about our story, but they barely knew the details. It has been a tough road for me, but ofcourse he also had the same though I cannot speak on to his part. We have been in the controversy and we always find each other in a debateful situation, making things worse for the two of us.

Our world became smaller when we became classmates again on my third year now in College. As much as possible, I wanted to avoid it. But some things are just meant to happen, it is beyond my control. Some of my friends say it is already a sign for us to make amends, but I guess I wasnt ready for it.

The first weeks of classes were like a torture… seeing him everyday. trying to avoid him, keeping my distance, Ive been very sensitive and cautious that I feel it was already freaking crazy. Its so hard to ignore and avoid someone whom you share mutual friends with. At the end of the day, I was exhausted of keeping my distance.

Nights were the times I can weight things down and think of things. There are nights where I am thinking about him, how to deal with him in the most modest way I can, with the thought of avoiding another clash or at worst, hearing another insult from him.

One day, a common friend of ours texted me in the middle of the night. I was at work then, trying to beat the deadline because I had may backlogs that I need to finish. She is obviously not okay, she is depressed, so depressed that she ended up being contagious…

She was shrugging my conscience that night. I was always at the defense of my case. The exchange of messages became very intense to the extent that she is already touching my emotional side, which is not good because i am at my workplace so I decided to take a quick break to deal with her for once.

She has become close to this special friend of mine. And im always thankful for her for watching over him. Yes, I admit, I still am updated on what is happening to him. I cant afford not to, I still care for him, after all that has happened…

One sentence that shook me off was “How could you hurt somebody who does nothing but make you happy and love you despite of all?” I was speechless, she’s right. I hurt him so much. I didnt mean to, and I never ever wanted to. But there are things that we do to a person that is for their own good, even if we know it will hurt them, we still think of their welfare.

I suddenly burst into tears. The agonizing pain I felt the first time we broke it off all came back to me like a hauling monster. I realized that I was wrong to continually ignore the issue. I was so fond of telling myself that I am okay, that I have already moved on and let go of him but why is it that still there is something wrong?

I though that ignorance and avoidance is the way to do it. Honestly, it just made things worse for us. I already tried to make amends with him before but I guess I didn’t gave him ample amount of time to cool down his temper. We just had a non amenable conversation then and so I decided to gave up on him. It was the most stupid decision I made. Moving away from him never resolved our issues. The thought of moving on and letting go was just a cover up on my part, to cover the issue we have been into but at the back of my mind, this is still an unresolved conflict.

Dwelling in the past memories of us together is my favorite thing to do when I am alone. I always find myself smiling when I think about those happy times. Then my depressed friend asked me “It seems like you dont have regrets at all!”. This time, I answered immediately “How could you regret something that made you very happy? I didn’t regret loving him, my only regret is that it had to end this way, maybe there’s another way…”

My own statement created a spark in my mind. Ofocurse there is another way!

I have seen an opening in his heart that would be a chance for me to make up for my mistakes. I noticed when I am around with his friends, he is not making face anymore or creating annoying gestures. He is neutral when I am near him. He supports my statements with his own. I laugh at his jokes and he don’t react negatively and lastly, he accepted my invitation to work with me on writing a book for one of our major subjects.

Would I pass up this chance? I guess not. This time, I am willing to gamble and play my cards, betting everything I have just to make amends with him. This is my last attempt to make up for all the hurt and pain I have caused him. I know this wont be easy for me and for him but I will give it my best shot.

The only hope I have is that someday he will be able to understand that I have done those things for his own good, for his own sake…

Im gonna start as soon as I have the chance. Wish me the best of luck!

Good vibes everyone!

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