Posted by: The Sweet Life Runner | February 9, 2010

From Savior to Fallen…

I do believe that people come into our lives for a particular reason, and we only realize this when we know the person better. It comes out naturally that we have a concern for our fellow, especially when we know where they are coming from.

I have always felt that I can touch the lives of people that will come my way. I feel I can do something for them to make them feel that I am a person of good intentions. I always do help people either way, emotional or financial.

I am a married woman. No doubt I love my husband and my child. I am juggling through being a mother, a wife and a student. Things are simply hard on my part but for almost seven years I got used to it. My husband is a just man. A man of a high moral character. I have a deep respect for him even if he has cheated on me two years ago, I managed to forgive what he did and we tried to start things over again.

But have I really forgiven him? Well, that I don’t know. After that extramarital affair he had I have always been distrustful. I know I am wrong in this part but I cant help but think that if he did it the first time, its easy for him to do it again.

My husband is more of a cold shouldered person. An insensitive man. We have a military type of relationship… the Commander and the Subordinate. It’s like he treats me as just an ordinary housemate. He is the head of the house. Everything he says should be done. My words are mostly disregarded. He keeps his own money and gives me when I ask for, and sometimes he doesn’t. How do I survive? Well, I have my ways of earning my own so I just ignore the money issue between us. He spends most of his time watching Anime on the internet and he touches his ipod  a thousand times more frequent than he touches me.

But even so my husband sometimes is loving when he feels like it. I can never say no to making love, although its very rare to happen. He is a good lover, he makes sure he pleases me before his own. He lets me live my own life and gives me a sense of individuality that I sometimes mistaken for as neglect. Actually I do the same for him on his work, I seldom visit his office and I don’t keep connections with his co-workers. Sometimes, he surprise me of things that I never expect he would do. He seldom prohibits me to go out with my friends when I ask him to. He doesn’t care about my friends gender, may they be males, females, gays or lesbians is okay with him. Most of all, he loves our son very much.

Early October when I accepted a friend request from my Facebook Account, a man whom I am not familiar with but is mutual friends with five of my high school acquaintances, thinking that he might went to that same school I went into.

He went online for 5 days in a row, and if I catch him online I would always drop a line saying “Hi! Do we know each other?”

Every time I do this I get no replies, but still I persist, since I don’t really add people whom I personally don’t know. One strange day, he replied to me. He was being sarcastic, and I hate him for being one. I was just being inquisitive, he was being stubborn. I just ended the conversation before things get worse.

I am planning to delete him from my list but I got busy that week and eventually I forgot to do so. When I write my thesis on my laptop, I use to catch him only every evenings, but I don’t bother dropping a line again since I don’t like his attitude.

I started noticing this man when he posted about his support to a particular Presidential Candidate. I started browsing his profile, reading his notes, walls and viewing his pictures. I admit I was impressed. He is a complete package… Handsome, intelligent, young, assertive and a potential bachelor.

I was intrigued about his political views, since I also am choosing who is the right one to vote for. I decided to have a chat with him about it. He was very accommodating with my inquiries. I enjoyed the intelligent conversation. The snob and stubborn guy suddenly became a good conversationalist. And then it all started…

A close friend of mine taught me how to use Facebook Emoticons and I was so hooked in using them. One time, when me and that man had a series of chat, I used a shark emoticon, I was surprise that he got thrilled as well. I started teaching him all the emoticons I know. Funny that we enjoyed doing it for quite some time. When I go online, he would teach me some emoticons that I don’t know. I enjoyed having chats with him. Soon after, we talk about personal matters like our self, lives and anything you need to know about someone when you are making friends with them.

For the last three months, we chat occasionally for any topic that comes in our minds. One time, we chat for almost 3 hours, and before we bid farewell, he told me he loves me. I laughed my ass out with that statement and I assumed he was just joking but he told me he is not.

After that, we still chat and he would always insist about what he feels and every time he does that I am annoyed but I managed to modestly resist him. I feel it was insincere, but after the two week persistence, I am starting to believe that he mean it. But still I keep my doubts.

He was so funny. He throws cheesy lines on me. At first it was corny but after some time I started liking it. He would always tell me how much he appreciates me. I enjoyed his admiration, and eventually, I started opening up to him. I felt that he is someone special to me, and indeed he is.

I found myself smiling when I read a text message from him at school. People start noticing my sweet smile even if I am reading a hand out from a boring Labor Laws subject. He made me happy, I never felt this happy in years. I always look forward for his texts and chats. I find myself waiting for him to go online and I always check my smartphone for messages even at the middle of the classroom discussions.

He started opening himself up to me through his WordPress Blog. Knowing his past made me feel that he needs me. I felt that I can be a Savior to him. So he could realize that he is messing up in relationships because he is messing up with his own family.

My close friends knows whats going on. They are not in favor of what I am doing, entertaining a persistent suitor. But they love me so much that they don’t want to take away the smile in my face, they just told me to be careful and assure me that they are always around when I need help.

Things has been this way until he persistently push me into having an affair with him. I am successful in diverting his attention to it at first, but one night, I cannot hold him any longer, and I cannot hold myself any longer too.

Yes, I am starting to like the guy so much. But I wouldn’t dare to have an affair with him. I love my husband and I am afraid to lose a beautiful family that I have. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose him as well…

Last night was devastating. He won’t stop insisting about his feelings. I cannot lie to him, he was good at feeling if I lie or not. I started telling him about my feelings and that became the wormhole of the event. Everything came up so fast that I end up crying like an idiot, my mom even pat my back because she taught I was crying because of my thesis.

I am trying to compromise to him but he was so hurt he started missing his ex-girlfriend, and that moment, I don’t know what happened to me, I started feeling jealous for no reason at all. I was startled when my husband came from work. I was sweating like a pig since I cant afford to avert the conversation with the man, but I am afraid that my husband might see.

He was full of hurt feelings that he even posted something on his wall. I was hurt, I admit. But at that moment, he was willing to stop. I was so afraid, I don’t know why I asked him to stay with me. Its my chance to finally lose him. But I can’t let go, I don’t want to let him go… I thought I was his Savior, but I ended up falling into him…

I promised to make a deal with him today so that we can settle things once and for all. I just hope he has a clear mind since the night already passed. How I wish I could keep him without complications. I hope he would understand. I hope that we could draw the line back again, and be happy like we used to be before.

Love is composed of two complete people complimenting each other. As much as I would like to give myself to him, I am not whole, and I know we will end up in disaster if we pushed our luck to each other. I wish there is some other way to compromise. I am preparing myself today. I hope we get to a solution that we both will agree upon…

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